I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
