I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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