Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
