we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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