I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm at about main and main street
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
