I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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