You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize