and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
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