I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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