Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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