The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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