how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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