Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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