My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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