pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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