when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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