my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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