I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
