My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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