Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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