I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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