well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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