He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize