Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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