I wanna passion pit in your ass
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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