trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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