His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
