On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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