Four minutes until I can fart!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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