No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
