Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
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