I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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