not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
