took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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