my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
