I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
