im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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