I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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