Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize