so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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