I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
