I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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