I wish I could teleport
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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