I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
