Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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