i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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