I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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