walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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