I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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