Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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