I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
