rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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