Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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