Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize