The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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