He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
