I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
