while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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