I heard we made out
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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