I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
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