You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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