Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
