A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
We got so high we made milksteak
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
