WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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