I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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