i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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